It was during this time though that God began developing in me a habit of praying while awake at night. I found it easier to switch my focus from the pain if I prayed for others and the Psalms were my go to for comfort and soothing my soul. I found David’s words pouring out his heart to God to be a relief – it was ok for me to share my heart with God too. 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” It’s ok to tell God how you feel – He already knows what is in your heart.

Trust. It builds with an outstretched hand of a friend, the calming voice of a caretaker, and you setting your sights on a goal and achieving it. It takes time to build, yet be shattered in moments.

God WANTS us to be joyful. Even in our suffering, even in our loss, even in our pain. That does not mean He wants us to pretend to be happy or suppress our hurt for the sake of having it all together. That isn’t helpful or honest. Life is messy and that is by design. We have to feel our feelings.

If God has put a dream, desire, or passion on your heart, chase it, and believe in every step of the journey whether good or bad.

Purity culture may have started with good intentions and based on biblical expectations, but what has it turned into? A monster.

Why, in the week we remember Christ’s holy sacrifice, the holiest week in our faith, did God forsake me?

Why is all of this happening to me? 

How do we experience the freedom and the hope of the resurrection in a world that is so overrun by injustice? How do we trust in the completion of justice by Christ on the cross while we walk through the brokenness of the world? How is there a God to whom we declare, Holy, Holy, Holy while facing the depth of our own pain? This Easter season, I have been reflecting on the justice of God, and how a God marked by perfect justice is the only one that allows the resurrection to make sense. 

What drives you? What motivates you? Gosh, the number of times I was asked this on the track or on the cross country course! Let’s be real here you need something to drive you when it comes to voluntarily running miles on end everything single day for “fun”.

But as I thought about it more, what drives us and motivates us, as Christians, to lead a God-pleasing life?

Grab your gardening tools, it’s time to pull up some weeds. 

Imagine any of these moments if Jesus were the other person. How would the situation be different? Would you have the same reaction? I don’t say any of this to point fingers or to make you feel less than. I say this because we have all been there and we can all grow. 

Trusting in God is not always easy, especially when He seems far away. These times of spiritual dryness can be frustrating! I’m sure all Christians can think of a time in their faith when, in a moment of spiritual hair-pulling, they began a prayer with, God, if you really love me, then would you PLEASE…

When he’s got to come to you, you’ll get your miracle. But when you pursue Him, he will fix it all.

An improvement I wanted to make this year is in my prayer time. I tend to pray only before meals or if I am in need of something. That same coffee house vibes I felt earlier, I also wanted to feel from my prayer time with God. That’s when I decided to have coffee shop dates with Jesus. When I pray, I close my eyes and try to picture myself with the Son of God chatting over coffee.

In the old testament, sacrifice is specified in detail. Different sacrifices meant different things and each needed its own unique planning. We sacrificed for God, He gave His Son for us, saints sacrificed and witnessed miracles. Sacrifice is not a thing of the past. It’s a form of worship we CAN still observe.

A couple of years ago I started to write “Dear Future Husband” letters. These letters reflect my own journey of finding love within myself and Jesus, promises and stories I want to one day share with my future husband, and prayers I have for my future husband.

I didn’t make too many close friends in college. Instead, I found myself reestablishing the stronger friendships I had in high school. My attention shifted from: “what can I do to please?” to “is this friendship enriching me?” 

I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to teach myself to unlearn the lies. 

So what’s next?

Well friends, 2022 is a big step for us.

We need to also know that it can be dangerous to over-value our feelings. One of the best nuggets of wisdom I’ve been told is that feelings are not fact. Without going into all of the science behind our emotions, our emotions are a physical reaction (in our head) to what’s happening in life. We have some control at the helm of our emotions, but many times they’re derived out of our past experiences - or even our genetic make-up. Sometimes, our feelings speak lies to us. Our reaction to a situation is, exactly that, a reaction - not reality.

This is such a powerful story that shows the strength that comes from faith. I know for me, being in that moment, it would be SO difficult to say, “I'm willing to lay down my life for Jesus.”